90915 Why I'm doing this?

I really don't understand why this trip has been so awful!? Is it all about stress? Or something else? Why loving someone is so damn hard? It's 10PM, but I can't write all this right now, Bob is still awake, and tears has already occupied my eyes....

It's nearly 12AM, after ponder for a little while, I found out it's not really loving someone is so damn hard. It's.... maybe I don't want to commit with the person anymore? Now, I always ask myself that "Am I having the most scary feeling for myself? ~ The IT"S OK! I DON"T MIND! I DON"T CARE! feelings." When it comes to those feelings, it always means the relationship/bond between us is breaking down... breaking.. down...

He's a big fat old guy who never take care of himself. If things won't kill him and it doesn't hurt, then that's ok! For having neils problem for 30 years, he has never think about taking care of it. For getting so damn fat that he even have very hard time for clipping the toe neils, he doesn't care. For having terrible teeth, he doesn't care. For having thick skin on his feet, he doesn't care. He's 18 years older than me, and he has no money, he has no house, he's fat and ugly!

He has the potential for running the business with me so I love him, he has very similar values about teaching kids so I love him. We have a lot in similar for life and value, the places we want to go so I love him. But he's not passion as before anymore. He doesn't understand how much I want him to be accepted to my family so I really want him to go back with me for the Moon Cake Festival this year. He's not even fighting for going. How can I face all the people who I told them that you're going back with me!? I hate you! I hate you're not fighting for OUR FUTURE. I have patience, I have passion, but you are grinding them away... when someday my heart doesn't beat for you...... it will mean... it's dead.

Sometimes, the image of our life when we get old, you pass away, I don't think I can still breath or do anything without you around. They cover the flag for you, I play "My Way" for you! Derek and Sophie are standing next to me. I love you.... I have never in love with someone like this... Why you just can't fight for me for a week in your life that might make a lot of differences between you and my family!? I might get all the blessings that I want from my family. But you just can't make it..............

My heart is beating.. but beating with less passion now....